I turned 42 this week.
And somewhere between the birthday dinner and the texts and Facebook messages from people I haven't heard from since my birthday last year, I started making a list...
Things I know now that I didn't know before. Things I learned the hard way, the beautiful way, the embarrassing way, and a few times, the devastating way.
Some of these are serious. Some are not. A few of them I'll give you the story behind, because the lesson lands differently once you know where it came from.
Here are 42 things I've learned in 42 years.
- Tell your loved ones you love them regularly. Not just when it crosses your mind. Make it a habit.
- Answer the call, even if you're busy.
I missed a call from my mom because I was in a meeting. A meeting I cannot tell you a single thing about today. That call was to tell me my dad had collapsed. I just kept praying for dad to hold on until I could get there. But he couldn't. Just as I got to my car in the parking lot, my mom called again to tell me he was gone. He had passed away, just like that. And I had ignored the call.
- Should you panic? No. (Most of the time, at least.)
- The older you get, the less f*cks you give. Accept this gift gracefully.
- Saltwater truly heals.
- French fries are always the answer.
- Your job is not the coolest thing about you.
- Dog snores and dreams are the most comforting sound.
- You won't always get the recognition you think you deserve, which is why you need to be your biggest cheerleader.
I was not selected for the National Honor Society in high school. Despite my excellent grades and everything I believed qualified me. And nobody could explain why. I sat with that for a long time, and eventually learned that waiting for external institutions to validate you is a losing game. Celebrate your own wins. Loudly. Nobody is going to do it for you the way you need.
- McDonald's Diet Coke is the best migraine medicine. This is settled science.
- Always carry chapstick with you.
- Some of the best conversations happen in the car.
- Reading a physical book is different from reading on a screen. Don't let that go.
- Nobody is thinking about you as much as you think they are.
- Color coding things makes them visually appealing and helps with memory. My calendar looks like a Pantone catalog. I regret nothing.
- It's good to do something that gets you interacting with people you normally wouldn't interact with.
Musical theater in high school did this for me. For a few months every year, the jocks and the nerds, and the theater kids and the quiet ones all ended up in the same rehearsal room, working toward the same thing. Every social hierarchy we'd spent the whole year building just dissolved. We were people making something together. That's a rare thing, and I've been chasing it in different forms ever since.
- Grilled cheese always tastes better at a restaurant.
- Choose your seat carefully the first time, because that's the seat you'll have for the duration.
- An audiobook read by the author is superior to a professional narrator.
- Finding a good therapist is a lot like dating.
- Quitting is always followed by a beginning.
- "Niching down" applies to a lot more than just picking a career or audience.
When I was online dating, I finally stopped being vague about what I needed in a partner. So I laid out very concrete criteria in my profile and discussed it openly during the first date. Once I got specific, I met my husband. Clarity did the work. That lesson has followed me into business, friendships, and every corner of my life really.
- Don't make any big decisions when in the middle of grief.
You might end up moving in with someone you really don't want to be with...
- Some apologies never come. You have to find peace anyway.
- Experts don't know everything.
- You can't get a job you don't apply for.
- For plants to grow, you need to clean off the dead pieces so the plant can focus its energy on the new growth. The same goes for humans.
- There will always be someone out there who needs to make you feel smaller so they can feel bigger. Your job is to fight them hard.
A college president whom I worked for once told me, to my face, that he would ruin my career. Simply because he didn't like me. I wasn't his person. I could have let that break something in me (and there were times where it did). But instead, I built something he will never be able to touch. Fight hard, friend.
- Everything should have a proper place so you can find it easily.
- Boundaries are less about the other person's behavior, and more about your response.
- When you have a lot of pent-up frustration, go to the car and scream. It works every time.
- Drinking cold water through a straw can help you stop crying on the spot. File this away for when you need it.
- Co-supervision structures take a lot of work, communication, and intentionality. They don't just run themselves seamlessly.
- There's joy in believing in something without needing to know if it's real.
- The best antiquing trips are when you're on the hunt for something specific.
I spent a year and a half looking for brass candlesticks for our wedding. So many weekends over a span of a year and a half were spent in thrift stores, antique markets, and estate sales. When I found a set I loved, I felt like I'd won the lottery. I knew exactly what I was looking for and didn't stop until I found it. The hunt is completely different when you have a vision.
- The people who show up when it's inconvenient are the ones worth keeping.
- Some of your best stories start with a questionable decision.
This one's for college Tara...
- To teach something to someone is to share a part of you with them.
- A true measure of success is friendships that span across decades.
- At some point, going back to where you grew up starts to feel like visiting instead of returning.
- You don't have to be at the center of a tragedy to be shaped by it.
I knew people who died in the Virginia Tech shooting on April 16, 2007. I was not there at the time. But that day has lived in me for almost 20 years. Grief doesn't require proximity. Sometimes you carry something simply because it happened in a world that was also yours.
- The thing you've lived through is often the thing you're best at teaching.
Here's to 42.
Take care,
Tara
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